So I've been a stay at home Mom the entire time I've been a mom. My oldest is five. And while it's never been easy, it has always been fulfilling and it's been my passion. Seriously. It took me a while to get there, to realize that this is what I was put on the Earth for, to be a Mom to my girls, but I got here. There was a time where I was worried that I was "just a Mom" but that's stupid, I'm a MOM. I volunteer at my daughter's school in her classroom, I make breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day for my family (I don't cook it all, cereal is breakfast and the kids eat mac and cheese or ravioli or a sandwich for lunch and I do cook dinner), I keep the house, it's good. But my husband of 11 years told me two weeks ago that I had to get a job because the finances are bad. Not bad, just not great. To paraphrase Larry Winget, "it's our own damn fault." We bought a house when the houses were expensive, and my husband was working a lot of overtime when we bought it and overtime has dried up, and when we moved in we had to buy new furniture, and we do have internet and television and two car payments. Plus there are credit cards, which I do not have. My husband has always had the credit cards in his name only, I really don't have any established credit (I know, I took a back seat to my own finances, it is my fault because I don't like to talk money) and he's not really that great with the money. I'm not blaming him, I should be blaming myself. I didn't speak up when I should have spoken up, I should have taken an interest in the financial aspect of our lives, but I didn't, I figured I would keep the house and he would keep the books. Damn, that was stupid. I'm 32 years old and acting like a friggin' child about these things. And the finances are killing my husband, literally. He'll be dead in five years if I don't get a job. Seriously. He doesn't sleep enough, he drinks too much beer, he's been a grump. And I'm in this marriage too, I need to contribute financially to this family, so I will. But I don't want to. I know that day care is fine for kids, and my two year old will love it, and my five year old will love it too. But the thought of other people raising my children makes me sick to my stomach. If I think about how they will look as I drop them off in the morning, I start crying. I have cried more in the last two weeks than in my entire life! I tear up and hug and kiss my kids, my baby says to me, "It's okay Mama, don't cry." And the crying starts again. I haven't worked in 7 years, to go back to working just kills me. My kids are little, they need me right now. My MIL can probably step in for babysitting for a couple of weeks until we figure out what we're going to do, but that's a sucky option. I just hate it. And I feel like a jerk because it's been two weeks and I don't have a job yet. I've put in applications and sent resumes, I've even got an appointment for a test with the county, but still, no job. But I'll find one. And financially we'll be in a better place, but...
This is really a disjointed blog. I have too many thoughts and emotions going through my body to think straight. There are people worse off than me. I'm feeling sorry for myself. My husband and I aren't getting along as well as we usually do because he feels guilty for asking me to work and I'm disappointed in him that I have to work. I feel like the work I do around my house isn't good enough for the family because I'm not drawing a paycheck. Has my life been a complete waste of time? Will my girls grow up to resent me because I wasn't there physically for them? Will I have to work for years and years, or can we get caught up, get some stuff paid off, save some money, and then I'll be back in the home? Have I been too lucky in my life, marrying a man that I actually do deeply love, having two amazingly bratty girls that are the lights of my life, being able to stay home, so I'm being punished?
I am just feeling sorry for myself. I'm trying to look on the bright side of things. More money equals doing more things with the family outside of the home. More money means I can indulge in my make up obsession. More money equals paying off the bills, saving something for later, and keeping the stuff we have. There is dignity in work.
The thought of other people raising my kids makes me want to throw up. Literally. My baby learning games from another person. How will they know how she likes to nap, how will they know that she likes her toes to be nibbled on, will they spank her if she draws on the walls? She's MY baby! My older girl, will they ooh and ahh over her drawings of SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs, will they tell her how smart and perfect and beautiful she is and how proud they are of her. Can I be enough of a working mother to give my kids the emotional support and enough hugs and kisses and love for a full time Mom?
My whole life all I wanted was kids. I waited until I was 27. I waited until my husband and I were married 6 years before kids. My parents are still married. They dig each other. My Mom went back to school when I was 14 to become a teacher. She wanted to do it for us kids, to make a better life for us. The thing is, when she went to school, she was all school. She still went to recitals and back to school nights and games, but she detached emotionally. It was the end of sit down dinners. I won't do that to my kids. But I don't know if I'll be able to work full time, then come home and work full time. Two full time jobs may be too much for me to handle. I don't want to take it out on my family. I make it a priority to hug and kiss my girls, to tell them that I love them, to play with them. Can I work and do all that?
I don't think anyone will ever read this blog. And that's probably a good thing. It's all over the place. I keep a journal, but I don't want to write this stuff down in there, I don't want my kids reading it and knowing how insignificant and small their mother feels right now. I don't want them to blame themselves for my feeling this way. I figured a blog would be a good way for me to vent and not have my children affected. Or is it effected?
Till Later, S
I can so relate to your post, I too have been a stay at home mom now for almost 6 years and I know exactly how you feel. We have even gotten into a similar financial situation, and our solution has been my husband working 2 jobs. It is not easier than the other option. We all miss him terribly because he is not available to us most of the time, working and sleeping gets almost all of his time. I worry about how his body can hold up under the stress, we are both in our 30's as well. I just wanted to let you know that I get where your coming from, and if you ever need to vent feel free to email me I can probably underdstand and I need to vent sometimes too Lol!